God has taught me a lot this past year. You grow the most through tough times.
God used my first miscarriage to remind me that he is ultimately in control. I can make plans, but sometimes there is very little I can do to make them happen. Lets face it, I did everything right, but my baby still passed away. Still, no matter what, God is good and he is in control.
A few months later we were expecting again, and God kept telling me not to be afraid, I would be okay. It was devastating to see my lifeless baby on the ultrasound. It is an image I would like to erase from my memory. I cannot. It will forever be a part of my story. Through it all God kept whispering in His reassuring voice, "Lean on me. I will carry you. You will be okay." So, I did. Not because I am some amazing woman of God, but because I had nothing left. I was heartbroken. I had no desire to face the world, take care of my family, or fulfill my church and work obligations. Curling up in a deep dark pit seemed like a better option.
We waited a few months before we decided to stop trying not to get pregnant and decided not to even think about it. We got pregnant right away. I did not talk about it to anyone for over two months other than Brian, and the extent of our conversation was, "I'm pregnant." "I figured." That was it. No celebration. It wasn't that I was afraid for people to know. I was afraid to get attached to this baby. I could only think in terms of when we loose this one. My constant prayer was, "God help me to be okay when this one joins its siblings in Heaven."
On the ultrasound everything looked okay, but the fear was still a constant sidekick. It was all consuming. I had to cancel my next appointment because of a sick kiddo, and I lost it. It was as if that appointment was my lifeline, the thing that was going to keep this baby alive and remove all the worries. In the midst of my angry tears, God gave me the image of skydiving with an instructor. I was white knuckle clinging to him, my instructor, and the plane. He knows what he is doing. My only job was to let go and jump. I had to let go of the fear. He would take care of everything while I drank in the beauty and life he created. That's it, just jump. It was not and is not easy. Every day I have to consciously let go. I have to remind myself that it is okay to dream. God is there. I am still sad about the two little lives I never got to meet, and there is no guarantee this new little one will be okay. I am learning to live with the uncertainty and letting God guide the journey. No matter what happens God is in control, God will take care of me and my family, and I still have joy.
