Letting Go

A little over three years ago shortly before we were ready for a little one I came to the realization that I needed to work through some issues before bringing a baby into this world.  I was no longer satisfied with living a life based on fear and shame, so I gave it to God, opened up, and asked for help.  One of the most useful things I learned was to accept the anxiety I feel, but to get out of my head and notice life around me.  Feeling anxious is okay, but when we get to wrapped up in the fear and make decisions based on it we miss out on all that God has for us.  We no longer rely on God but rather view reality through the lenses of our feelings.  I also learned that I could teach Rachel to fear the world, so I began to pray for her.  I prayed that she would not have anxiety as a “thorn in her flesh” like me, but also that she would see the world despite the fact it is fallen and broken as beautiful and live her life seeing the wondrous things God has created for her to enjoy.  (As a rabbit trail, check out 2 Corinthians 12 for more on Peter and his thorn. This story spoke to me and me feelings about my anxiety.)  I also prayed that I would trust Brian fully with my safety, feelings, and decisions even though he had never given me a reason not to.  And finally I prayed to be released from any remaining shame I felt and to come to rely on God in all circumstances no mater how I was feeling. I wanted to live free and the feel the freedom we all have in Christ.  This was not an overnight change, but a slow process that I can look back over now and see all that God has done.  I am not done growing and changing and never will be until I am with Christ.

I terms of my prayers for Rachel thus far she does not exhibit anxiety like I had as even an infant.  She is outgoing, loves life, people, and learning, and very determined.  I can count on one hand the number of times she has been upset about being left with someone new.  I have also seen how easy it is to teach her fear things.  For example, the other night we were mounting her book shelves to the wall and a black widow stowed away on the screw and nail box from the garage.  That black widow made a very slow break for it right next my precious child.  I reacted, scooped her up, and called for Brian to take care of it.  Sensing the urgency on my voice she hovered next to me afraid that there would be another spider.  This was an excellent reminder of how malleable she is and how I need to put care and thought into what I expose her to and to pray to God for guidance daily if not more often.

Looking back at my relationship with Brian I can see growth.  I am still learning to trust him daily.  Colossians 3:18 says Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.  It is not a suggestion but a command and not based on how I feel toward him at the moment or whether he deserves it or not.  He deserves my respect and submission just because he is my husband, nothing more.  Letting him be the head and lead our family is a tough one for me.  I like to have control, and I must pray for help with this often.  It is important for a healthy marriage to allow him this role.  Through our relationship we are also teaching Rachel what she should desire from a future marriage.

I can see changes in my self as well.  I am no longer making decisions based out of fear and what if…  During the past couple years I have attended Sunday school , a mom’s group, social events, and even gone to the gas station all by myself.  Interestingly I thought all the anxiety was gone, that maybe God had take that “thorn” from me, but I realized last month it is still ever present.  With this pregnancy I have experienced heart palpitations.  It is not dangerous and the medical professionals insisted it was in part anxiety related to which I insisted it was not.  Anyway, while at a party the palpitations were intense.  It was then I realized that yes the anxiety is my ever present side kick, but it is no longer controlling me.  That was a huge “ah ha” moment.  God had brought me so far, and at the moment I had a glimpse of how big he is.  He is so much bigger than the box I often times place him in.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says “… ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’”

We are currently working on buying a house.  This second time around is so much different from the first.  I feel a peace and knowledge that God has the perfect house for me.  I don’t need to worry and I don’t need to counter offer or offer more than I want because God will provide that house.  I just need to get out of his way and let him.  Getting out of his way applies throughout life.  James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  It reminds me that ff I just step back the things God can and will do are beyond my imagination.

Thanks for sticking with me through this long post.  I just felt the need to share what God has been doing for me.