Lets backtrack a little.
We lost our first little one back in January just 1 week after we
learned we were expecting. Physically it
was a tough recovery, but we moved forward and made plans to try again. I was terrified to try again, but God kept
telling me to let the fear go and trust him.
In April we learned we were expecting again. It was scary and exciting all at the same
time. At what should have been around 8
weeks we heard our little ones heart beat, but he only measured 5 ½ weeks in
size. Okay, deep breath, no reason to
panic because the heart beat was strong. Sadly, our little one joined his sibling in heaven a few weeks later. I will never
forget the silence in the room from the ultrasound and the doctor, ironically
the same doctor who diagnosed my earlier miscarriage. Before she could open her mouth to deliver
the terrible news I knew what was coming.
Our baby was gone.
I ended up having two d&c’s.
Each one was tough both physically and emotionally. It was hard to say goodbye to my little
one. I knew our baby was gone and his
soul was in heaven with a new body with his heavenly father. What was left inside me was an empty broken shell,
but my heart felt like it was being ripped in two as that last little bit if
him was taken from me.
So here is where I sit a month after this nightmare started. Grieving, healing, and slowing starting to
live again. I am slowly regaining my
energy. I am giving my grief to God,
walking through it with him, and trying not wallow in it. Right now I can’t see anything good in this,
but I know God will use this experience.
Most people have been supportive and showered us with
love. I never felt alone through this
whole process. There are some things
that I have learned not to say to a woman who has experienced a miscarriage. 1. Don’t ask why. 2. Don’t ask when she will try again. Right now I can’t even think about trying
again. The thought fills me with
anxiety. If we do get pregnant again I
can’t see how it will be a joy filled experience. I think I will be afraid to dream and will be
waiting for everything to come crashing down again. 3. Don’t get into a theological discussion
about when the baby gets a soul. I never
ever want to question that my baby is not in Heaven and that we may not meet
some day. Don’t take that hope from
me. Right now that is the only positive
thing I have to cling to. 4. Be
sensitive about sharing about your pregnancy or plans to conceive. I can be happy for you and still be sad for
me. It is hard for me to hear when the
rug has just been ripped out from under me, and I might need a few moments to process
that you are blessed to experience what I have just lost. I have learned that really all that needs to
be said is, “I’m sorry,” and sit with me in my grief. Yes, it is uncomfortable, but it is part of
doing life with others and showing God’s love to those around us. We are told to grieve with those who grieve
and rejoice with those who rejoice.
Thank you to those of you who have done that for me. Those who hugged me when I cried, brought me
food, reminded me to take time for me and to grieve, and asked how I was doing. You are a blessing!
