Another Loss

I have not blogged in quite a while.  I did not have to words to express what we have gone through over the last several months.  Two miscarriages…nothing prepared me for that.  I have two healthy kids and experienced two easy pregnancies, so I just assumed number 3 would be smooth sailing as well. 

 

Lets backtrack a little.  We lost our first little one back in January just 1 week after we learned we were expecting.  Physically it was a tough recovery, but we moved forward and made plans to try again.  I was terrified to try again, but God kept telling me to let the fear go and trust him.

 

In April we learned we were expecting again.  It was scary and exciting all at the same time.  At what should have been around 8 weeks we heard our little ones heart beat, but he only measured 5 ½ weeks in size.  Okay, deep breath, no reason to panic because the heart beat was strong.  Sadly, our little one joined his sibling in heaven a few weeks later.  I will never forget the silence in the room from the ultrasound and the doctor, ironically the same doctor who diagnosed my earlier miscarriage.  Before she could open her mouth to deliver the terrible news I knew what was coming.  Our baby was gone. 

 

I ended up having two d&c’s.  Each one was tough both physically and emotionally.  It was hard to say goodbye to my little one.  I knew our baby was gone and his soul was in heaven with a new body with his heavenly father.  What was left inside me was an empty broken shell, but my heart felt like it was being ripped in two as that last little bit if him was taken from me.

 

So here is where I sit a month after this nightmare started.  Grieving, healing, and slowing starting to live again.  I am slowly regaining my energy.  I am giving my grief to God, walking through it with him, and trying not wallow in it.  Right now I can’t see anything good in this, but I know God will use this experience.

 

Most people have been supportive and showered us with love.  I never felt alone through this whole process.  There are some things that I have learned not to say to a woman who has experienced a miscarriage.  1. Don’t ask why.  2. Don’t ask when she will try again.  Right now I can’t even think about trying again.  The thought fills me with anxiety.  If we do get pregnant again I can’t see how it will be a joy filled experience.  I think I will be afraid to dream and will be waiting for everything to come crashing down again.  3. Don’t get into a theological discussion about when the baby gets a soul.  I never ever want to question that my baby is not in Heaven and that we may not meet some day.  Don’t take that hope from me.  Right now that is the only positive thing I have to cling to. 4.  Be sensitive about sharing about your pregnancy or plans to conceive.  I can be happy for you and still be sad for me.  It is hard for me to hear when the rug has just been ripped out from under me, and I might need a few moments to process that you are blessed to experience what I have just lost.  I have learned that really all that needs to be said is, “I’m sorry,” and sit with me in my grief.  Yes, it is uncomfortable, but it is part of doing life with others and showing God’s love to those around us.  We are told to grieve with those who grieve and rejoice with those who rejoice.  Thank you to those of you who have done that for me.  Those who hugged me when I cried, brought me food, reminded me to take time for me and to grieve, and asked how I was doing.  You are a blessing!